There’s no longer any doubt in my mind. In fact, it has become quite clear. I woke up to self and realized it was true!
As the quote appeared from the deep recesses of my brain, I had to pause and ponder: was this the person I’ve become of late? The longer I thought on it, the deeper my disturbance!
“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”
Hmm. Hmmmm. Sounded about right. It described the way I’d been living the past month, the way I’d been subconsciously choosing to live.
We’ve just come away from 6 intense weeks. Company, travel, weddings, work, more company, medical appointments halfway across the country, more work. And now more company.
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t regret any of it. Not at all! My life is certainly richer for having experienced all these things.
It’s just this: there seems to be a million and one things I haven’t done because of the rush. These things are nagging at me. Expectations I’d put on myself. Expectations my husband has (or I perceive he has). And then there are things that genuinely need to be accomplished.
I’m tired folks; I’m so very tired!
That Nagging “To Do” List
And my “to do” list hangs in the back of my mind. Nagging. Pinching. Weighing on me!
“Weeds are going to seed in your garden.”
“Vegetables need to be picked or they’ll over-ripen.”
“Fall planting needs to happen. Get a move on, young lady!”
After having a pair of 6, 8 and 10 year old dirty bare feet (not to mention my own) pattering over the kitchen floor for a full 7 days, combined with the canning splatters and beeswax I split, it desperately needs a deep cleaning!
My empty pantry shelves speak to me, reminding the food-loving side of myself that things are looking bare!
“Time to get serious or you’ll miss out on this year’s harvest.”
And goodness me, what has my husband been eating for breakfast? Grass? It’s been so long since I’ve done any baking! Get going!
I don’t like the fact that I’m gaining weight. Without the ability to workout consistently, I need to be conscious of my starch intake. Of which I haven’t.
That emptiness I’m feeling inside? I know it’s there because I haven’t been making time to quiet and still, to connect with the Lord and be in His presence.
The list goes on. Some of these are expectations I can consciously let go of. Others? They’re good and I need to follow through with them!
When I look at my response to this “to do” list, that is when I realize I really, truly, am insane.
Folks, I know I need change. I am craving it, but have done nothing about it.
An impressive n-o-t-h-i-n-g!
So here I sit, feeling behind on life. The nagging thoughts cycle through my brain in a figure 8 pattern. Yes, I am tired.
But what did that quote, that wonderful, horrible, beautiful quote say?
“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”
I want change. My brain is telling me to implement change. I need it!
But I’ve slipped into an undisciplined exhaustion. Its easy to do things that don’t require effort, energy or discipline. The computer. Books. A short show. Getting side tracked by tasks that don’t help lighten the load on my mind.
Time to step it up!
I do have a Choice
Instead of feeling overwhelmed and letting my weedy garden hang over me, I can schedule in 15 minutes of garden work every day this week.
I can choose to wash one section of the floor today. It’ll only take 5 minutes! Or set aside a morning this week for canning. Another for baking. Consciously cut back on the starchy food. Choose to sit down every morning and focus on God’s Word for 15 minutes. Put on Christ-centered music while I work.
I’m tired. And a little bit insane.
I want change! I really do. But somehow, in my state of exhaustion, I forgot that change comes only with a change in my actions. Only then.
And so it’s time I gave myself a talking to:
“Alright gal, its time to hitch up your socks, engage the brain, take another look at what rattles around in that old head of yours and one by one, begin to address each haunting problem, 5, 10 or 15 minutes at a time!”
Ready, set, go!