I’ve been thinking about foundations. And no, its not because we’re in the process of building our first home! Lately, I’ve been thinking about my faith’s foundations. It’s no secret that my man and I have been busy with our project. But finally, the marathon is nearly over! Spiritually, we know it’s time to reset and let our minds get tangled up with God’s once again.
We both feel it. We crave it. And we’re pursuing it.
One of the steps we’ve been taking? Regularly reading and meditating on God’s Word.
The Psalms have been a long-time favorite of mine and I’ve been browsing through them. Lately, chapter 11 has had me in it’s grasp, particularly the first couple verses…which I’ll quote for you here:
“In the LORD I take refuge; how can you say to my soul, ‘flee as a bird to your mountain; for, behold, the wicked bend the bow, they make ready their arrow upon the string to shoot in darkness at the upright in heart. If the foundations are destroyed, what can the righteous do?’” (Ps 11:1-30)
I told you Thoughtful Thursdays were going to be personal and real, right? Well, I’ve gotta tell you that I’ve been struggling ever since coming out of intense sickness. Those years are in the past (for forever I hope), but I still have leftover residue hanging around.
Truth be told, I feel like I’ve been wandering muddle-headed through life…with questions in my mind and mini-burdens on my shoulders.
Those days of sickness were difficult. True to my humanity, questions and small voices of doubt arose. Usually, I’m a wrestler. Normally, I’m intent on working these things through, because I don’t want that residue going with me throughout my life, flaring up here and and dragging me down there.
However, because of my sickened mind, I didn’t always have emotional energy or the mental capacity to wade through them all, to bring them all to God’s light so He could speak into the situation. There was simply too much.
Know something else? I haven’t yet! Because I shudder at the thought. If it was only a month or two I had to deal with, or even half a year I had to wade through, I would feel more equipped. But it isn’t.
Over five years of life’s questions need to be processed. I’ve known it. I’ve felt God’s voice beckoning me to enter in. “Come Autumn. Let’s have it out, You and I. If we don’t, these things will always put an edge on your ability to trust Me. Shall we do it?”
And me? I’ve been stalling. I often feel panicked by the thought. It feels as if I allow these things to rise, they will envelop and swallow me whole.
I’ve never liked emotion or entering into it. I usually find it nothing short of exhausting. And yet? I know it’s part of healing.
Somewhere inside of this 30 year old body, there’s a girl who is still somewhat shook up by what her early 20’s brought upon her. And it desperately needs to be processed.
And that’s where the Psalm came in. Particularly the last bit about foundations.
The question that took hold of my heart was this: am I allowing my bits of my faith’s foundation to slowly be destroyed if I don’t address these things?
As I contemplated this new idea, I realized it had potential to be so. And any home builder knows that if the foundation crumbles, so does the rest of the house.
I want a solid foundation. But emotionally, I still can’t leap into the middle of it all. It’s just too much, with the rest of life still so unsteady beneath my feet.
That’s what I kept telling myself. Until that foundation verse appeared and I once again asked God “how?”
And then, I realized I don’t need to leap into the middle of it all. I don’t need to submerge myself in all the questions and doubts that have come with me over these past 5 years.
My God is gentle.
The thought that softly fell over me was this: I don’t need to.
Processing doesn’t have to happen in mouth-sized pieces. If it’s too much, I can start with the tiniest crumbs.
And I’ve been attempting to do just that.
While my man snores away beside me in the dark and just before falling to sleep at night, I revisit a memory or two, the questions that were planted in my mind. And then? I tell God why it makes me struggle. And then? I leave it at His feet.
I don’t know where this is going. But I know I’m moving. Perhaps the time will come for diving into it all headfirst. But for now, I take it at a snail’s pace.
Because I do want a strong foundation. How about you?