Sometimes, life can be confusing. There are moments when I wonder if it does make sense. If there actually is an explanation for what goes on in the human heart.
Y’see, I’ve had this yearning for over a year but haven’t been able to say why it’s there.
Finally, it drove me crazy! I dug hard and deep for answers. Here’s how it happened:
I’d been experiencing this desire, but have hardly felt justified in it. In fact, I often felt half guilty, wondering if I’d become too focused on things that didn’t matter? And yes, it had something to do with settling into a place that is our own! Again, again and again you’ll find this topic coming up on the blog.
Tired of it yet?!!! I’m sorry but I must air my dirty laundry one more time!
TRYING TO UNDERSTAND
I was wrestling this past week, trying to understand what was going on: why does being settled somewhere matter so much?
Am I putting hope in something that is meaningless? Foolish? Should I shut this desire out? Stomp it down? Snuff the life outta it? How did this desire become so strong?
Tired of the half-guilty feelings I carried, I decided it was time to figure out what was going on and why!
I pondered my desire and ended up thinking about self: who was I? What did I love? What filled me? What drains me?
WHO AM I?
Homebody. I’ve been a homebody (or farmbody) for as long as I can remember. Farmhouses and barns? Lemme at ’em!
The first farm chore I remember was milking the cow at the age of 5 or 6. I loved barn smells: hay, the dogs, cows, fresh milk and of course, the horses I spent half my life with!
I also loved the old farmhouse where I was born. Penetrating wood heat, the open fireplace, the smell of freshly-baked bread after a hard day’s work. The lights that shone from every window, beckoning us inside after darkness had settled over the valley. Farmhouse Christmases, filled with the scent that only a real tree brings, the holly on the mantle adding a natural spot of color.
I loved the assurance, knowing that this was where I belonged. This was my home. This was my valley. My family and the people around me? These people were my people. We belonged to one another.
Suddenly, my train of thought changed: how long had it been since I felt I belong somewhere? How long had it been since I knew I would be in one place for more than 1? 2? 3? year’s time? That I knew my foreseeable future had the same people and friends in it?
I thought. And thought. And counted back the years.
Folks, it’s been a very long time!
It was 12 years ago when I first ventured out from my home on the farm. And until the last 15 months of life, I haven’t had the certainty of being in one place for more than a year’s time. It’s always been up in the air, either by the nature of college days, the jobs I worked, because of my health or my marriage.
No certainty. And even when we moved to the valley we now consider home, it was on a one year basis: if it suited, we’d put our roots down. That first year came and went with a resounding “yes!” Which also resulted in our deciding to buy land and a home.
Which means…we will be moving again, but this time (hurray!) somewhere in the same location. We’d looked into buying something this past summer. And now? Perhaps in summer 2018.
Eleven years of shifting, moving, packing and getting rid of ‘stuff’ so I wouldn’t have to haul it around. Eleven years of living in different situations. Eleven years of meeting new people, forming new friendships, of saying goodbye, of learning, growing and growing up. Eleven years!
This is why the yearning is so strong. This is why I struggle. This is why I feel unsettled.
I’m a belonging type of gal. I need to feel like I’m part of a community. To know I’ll still have the same friends in a 3 year’s time. To have a home that is my own, where I don’t need to keep the brain in ‘transitional’ mode. A place where I can settle, breath and live my life. Even raise a family!
COURSE OF ACTION
Our current home is up for sale as I write. Yep! And I can do nothing about it. Out of my control!
However, there are elements of my life that are within my control. I can do something about the people side of things. I can open my life to others. I can get to know these people. I can do my part to help develop the deeper relationships I’ve been yearning for. And to this end, I’ll focus my attentions.
Starting by being friendly myself.